JOKES L.O.L.

 NEW JOKES

A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked, ‘Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.’
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?’
The nun replied, ‘He went that way.’
After the MP’s ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, ‘I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.’
The nun said, ‘I understand completely.’
The soldier added, ‘I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!’
The nun replied, ‘If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls….I don’t want to go to Iraq either”

 Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:

“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

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In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
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On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
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At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
you’ve come to the right place.”
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On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
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On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
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On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
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In a Non-smoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
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On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
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At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet -miss a car payment.”
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
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In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
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At the Electric Company
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”
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In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up.”
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
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At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank heaven for little grills.”
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And don’t forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”
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And the best one for last…………
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
“Caution – This Truck is full of Political Promises”

HIGH TECH STOVE

THIS IS NO JOKE

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A BUDDHIST MONK GOES UP TO A HOT DOG STAND AND SAYS TO THE COOK ” MAKE ME ONE WITH EVERYTHING “

LAST WINTER IN CANADA

What’s in a name?

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced
Peek-a-Boo) (and yes she is a real person)?

Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working
at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not
permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much
confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.

A good clean joke is hard to find these days – pass it on!
(Admit it … You’re smiling)

Patrons can remain nasty and don’t wash dem hand den?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HOW cOLD ARE YOU NOW….

Trini Lawyer and Defendant
A Trinidadian-born lawyer defending another Trini in
New York accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to
see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his
limb.”

“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I
Sentence the defendant’s arm to 5 year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it
or not, as he chooses.

The Trini defendant smiled.
With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial
limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
…Doh mess with ah Trini! We bad fuh so

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Thanks Mark for this Olympic Joke

What’s in a name?

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced
Peek-a-Boo) (and yes she is a real person)?

Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working
at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not
permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much
confusion when she would answer the phone and say, Picabo, I.C.U.

A good clean joke is hard to find these days – pass it on!
(Admit it … You’re smiling)

Thanks Mark for this one

Boat for sale
A man is walking past a driveway and sees a Jamaican putting up a sign, ‘Boat for sale’.

The man looks but all he sees is a caravan and a jeep.
He goes up to the Jamaican and asks, “Where’s the boat? All I see is a caravan and a jeep.”
“Yes mon.” replies the Jamaican,
“And they’re boat for sale.”

NEW TIME LONGA DAN ROPE VOL 4                                (SCROLL FOR OTHER JOKES)

This was our first audio joke using Question and answer to music back when Obama was first elected.

Click on the picture or the link below to play the sound

Q N A OBAMA

CLICK HERE TO PLAY SOUND

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DO TURKEYS CELEBRATE THANKSGIVING?

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PARAPROSDOKIANS

Paraprosdokians: (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, Notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR’.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure..
14. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
15. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
16. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now

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 NEW TIME LONGA DAN ROPE PODCAST ” ROB FORD”

Toronto’s Mayor Rob Ford is in the news worldwide and so the audio jokefile team put together this, However, there is a message in it as well so please think about it while you enjoy the humour. OTHER JOKES BELOW

ROB FORD Q&A eh!

TIME LONGA DAN ROPE VOL 3 64 KP

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 Our spoof on the  VOICE /TVJ mix up which features Jamaican singer Tessanne Chin.

CLICK VOL 1 TO PLAY SOUND OR PICTURE

TIME LONGA DAN ROPE VOL1

CLICK PART 2 TO PLAY SOUND OR PICTURE

PART 2

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Send us your funnies to editor@oncetime.com

Jimmy the Trini sent dis one in….:-)

Scroll down….You’ll love this …….

‘You got Male!

Thanks to Mark for the submission below

Only Jamaicans can so accurately describe things!

Doubling up our words

I would love for someone to explain to me why Jamaicans so frequently “double-up” their words.

Batta batta: To survive or merely get by. E.g. “How yuh stay Ralston?” “Bwoy Lenny, mi jus deh yah a batta batta inna di recession”

Bumpy-bumpy: Very bumpy. Covered in bumps. e.g. “Gweh! Yuh face bumpy-bumpy like jackfruit!”

Cabba-cabba: Uncivilised people. “Is when Parliament get so full of cabba-cabba?”

Chacka-chacka: Untidy. Disorganised.

Cyass-cyass: A noisy quarrell or controversy. (See Ray-ray) Studies have shown that the persons most likely to be involved in cyass-cyass are fool-fool, cabba-cabba people who enjoy the mix-up and ray-ray.

Deady-deady: Unexciting. Boring. Convetional Jamaican wisdom is that deady-deady relationships often lead to infidelity. e.g. “Leroy, mi tyad ah the deady-deady lovin. If yuh nuh careful yuh ah go find Joe Grind inna yuh life!”

Degeh-degeh: Singly. By itself.

Dibby-dibby: Not worthy of respect. A dibby-dibby girl is best avoided. A dibby-dibby, licky-licky girl should be shunned like the plague.

Dooguh-dooguh: Sexual intercourse. What’s popularly known today as “daggering”. (Popularly known in places where it hasn’t been completely banned by the Broadcasting Commission, that is.)

Fenkeh-fenkeh: Second rate. Lacking vigor or vitality. See pyah-pyah.Fool-fool: More than ordinarily foolish. George Bush-level stupidity.

Good-good: Pristine, high quality. e.g. “Bwoy is mi good-good scarf yuh tek a shine shoes?!” Or “Imagine! Dis dutty bwoy go breed di parson good-good daughter!”

Gwaany-gwaany: To be boastful. A show-off.

Henka-henka: To pine for/long for. e.g. “The Olint money gone! It nuh mek sense yuh ah henka-henka after it!”

Labba-labba: To speak or talk excessively. Also known as “chatty-chatty”.Lay-lay: To waste time, procrastinate. E.g. “Instead of working yuh deh a lay-lay pon thingsjamaicanslove.com a day time!”

Licky-licky: Greedy. Licky-licky people frequently meet tragic ends. e.g. “Is licky-licky him did licky-licky, why Linval go eat off the young ackee dem an dead!

Meckeh-meckeh: Thick in texture or consistency.

Nuff nuff: Large/plentiful in number. E.g. “Yow, yuh tink dis recession is a play-play ting? Is nuff-nuff people gwine lose dem work when Government cut public sector jobs”.

One-one: Singly. One by one. “Mertle, yuh nah see Pastor Brown an di church sister dem? Him jus a jus a pick dem off, one-one; like ripe mango offa di tree!”

Play-play: Not serious or meaningful in nature. E.g. “Junior, mi tyad of the play-play relationship. Why we can’t get married?”

Pyah-pyah: Second rate. Of inferior quality. See fenkeh-fenkeh

Ray-ray: Controversy, pandemonium.

Sawka-sawka: To treat roughly, often in a sexual context. e.g. “No Elva, last night mi haffi stop him half way through an ask him how him a sawka- sawka di ting so!”

Wagga-wagga: Fat. Obese. The other end result of licky-licky behaviour.

Walla-walla: To wallow or indulge in.

Warra-warra: The definition of “warra-warra” is a little hard to pin down but it seems to refer to a person’s “private parts”. As in: “Dutty bwoy, don’t mek ah tell yuh bout yuh warra-wara!” Or “Move yuh warra-warra from side ah mi”

Woi-woi: Far away. Remote.(N.B. Sometimes we even “triple-up” our words – e.g. “I can’t believe him leave you and the baby without a penny? Jus so-so so?)